No. .....Probably not! Here's why:
In order to change, they would have to take some pretty big, scary steps in my opinion. Many, including professionals, feel the same. Steps that would mean every day owning the knowledge that he is an abuser, such as:
- Facing it not on his terms and time frame but on everyone else's.
- Making amends the way the victim wants, not the abuser's way of "Love Bombing."
- Saying sorry to everyone he hurt and telling them why.
- Doing whatever it would take for as long as it takes to make life better and easier for the person they have been abusing the most (say a spouse who now has Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder), whether with or without them.
- Giving them wings to heal and fly.
- Doing whatever they ask if they are a kind human being asking for their needs to be met in a realistic way and the abuser can give that to them.
Examples might be that the wife asks her abusive husband to read a particular book on Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder so that he can understand what he's done to her. Or, read books and articles on how to properly communicate. If he really cared about her, he would do such a thing. If he was really sorry and wanted to change, he would do such a thing. But Narcissists won't. If they do pick up the book, they won't read the whole thing, and before long, they're back to being abusive and using new tools and ideas from the book. Later, they will claim that they know EVERYTHING, and they've read all the books and articles in the past (which is a lie; it's one article years ago). And that's that...no change.
The hardest part for you, and another proof they won't change, is you can not come to them after they've hurt your feelings in little or big ways. You can't talk about it or bring it up. So, it piles up inside of you with everything else they did, and it destroys you.
They need introspection into truly why they do what they do, into themselves and the numerous reasons, and since they lack any feelings most of the time, they need to stop blaming everyone else to get pity. Their introspection, if they do it, is a lie because they live a LIE. They have no reasoning skills.
Many people are abused as a child, and they decide to never do that to others. And...many decide to do it back to others. They have a spiteful and vengeful attitude. "The whole world is gonna pay for what a few people did to me!!!"
Many abusers had fairly good childhoods compared to the ones they are abusing. They take it for granted or, if the childhood was bad, use it as an excuse to be the way they are.
Narcissistic abusers are always angry at their brother, mother, father, or ex. Many abusive men have that one ex-girlfriend they talk about, using her name...for 20-30 years as the woman who destroyed and ruined them, making them what they are now.
They have to stop blame-shifting period!
It's hard for a Narcissist to change because they hardly ever feel anything at all. No emotions haunt them daily. Empathy is the emotion they lack the most. They yearn to feel something...anything... and the closest thing to feeling is to make you upset! They live through you daily. They don't know how to be themselves. They are always looking for a source supply from someone. That's why, if they aren't treating you badly for a while, they are treating someone else badly. If stuck at home, they cause arguments and divisions, perhaps online with strangers or people they know...just to feel that rush.
I know of two men and three books that maybe can help. One written by God and two written by men, professionals trained in psychology. One I worked with personally. He's trained in every field and does it all...psychology, life coaching, you name it. He incorporates it all together, and he knows what kind of men change...all three know. It's pretty simple but causes the Narcissist work he doesn't want to face or do. But my experience is...
The Narcissist WANTS A QUICK CHANGE NOW! If there is work involved and time, they don't want to do it. When they get to that part in the book where they find out it's going to mean that they have to work on themselves in a certain way, they usually throw their hands up and stop reading the book forever! Because they want their way to getting better, not what the victim needs.. lol
Of course, it's all about them! So, to have to think about the victim's needs and what they have done to them is actually so painful that he or she won't face it! They don't want to hear from their victim what they said or what it did or how it made them feel. It's so painful they would deny it and blame-shift and lie about it. You can not be sorry for what you do not acknowledge. One must stay always in that state of admitting what they have done.
This is why counseling doesn't often work. The Narcissist often is able to play, con, and swindle the therapist and lie, charm, and control the outcome his way, without putting any real effort or work into it.
Here's an example in my life: The Narcissist in my life will NEVER let me come to them when I am able to express an abusive day or moment when they abused me ...how it felt, what happened, what they said to me, and the effects it's had, the damage it's done ...unless I've had a breakdown.
Nope, never! This is imperative to them changing! Oh, they will DEMAND you tell them ON THEIR TERMS at a time convenient TO THEM! It's usually shortly after abusing you and you're not able to talk. Abuse scientifically shuts down the speech center and cognitive centers of the brain for a while. In this state, your abuser can not DEMAND that you tell him NOW!
The truth of the matter is....he or she is banking on it that you won't! He or she knows you can't at that time, so it's a trick to make you think sometimes they are willing to talk.
This way, they can tell people and You their Truth! THEY HAVE GIVEN YOU MANY CHANCES TO TALK ABOUT THEIR ABUSE! See how sneaky they are?
Narcissists will tell you they never said or did those things from the past. So, how does it ever get resolved? It NEVER does and it NEVER will!
Here's another example in my life: The Narcissist in my life won't even listen to a song that expresses how their abuse has affected me. I use to be a dancer. There are two dance numbers that a couple do on YouTube that also describe how my abuser has made me feel. They REFUSE TO WATCH IT!
These things I wrote about are how you know if they will change. Chances are they won't. I've sincerely never heard of one changing...ever. Some claim to be better, but they are not. Some abuse victims go into shock, dissociation, and self-denial, or what's called Trauma Bonding and Stockholm Syndrome. They will believe the Narcissist has changed and is proof to others it can be done, but it's usually a trick, a con by the Narcissist who merely mimics change. Real change might look like years and years of being changed. It's hard to tell. I've even heard numerous stories about Narcissists who trick someone into marrying them. A year, two, even three go by and they purposely pull the mask off and say....this is the real me now! Can you imagine!?! Some can pull a con that long because they want to be sure to set up your family, friends, career... everything...to make you look crazy so later no one will believe you because he or she is the kindest, most charming, thoughtful, gracious person. How on earth could You insinuate such terrible things about them?
There doesn't seem to be any self-help books for Narcissists out there. But chances are the Narcissist wouldn't read it and wouldn't want to make a truly lasting change because it means years of work. By then the victim has years of trauma from which the abuser needs to let them be free and have their needs to heal met.
The Narcissist in my life read a lot of books that he felt were the answer to his changing. For example, two were on "not being offended". He told everyone this was the key ingredient to a truly lasting change. He did change for a few weeks every time he read a new book. But his change never lasted.
I always told him he once truly changed for two months. But I look back and realize I'm being very liberal. Because the truth is, he was still very controlling on a YouTube channel I had and started causing trouble if I wanted to make a video... especially if the video was about Narcissism. Because of him, I deleted my entire channel.
A Narcissist is quick to throw you under the bus at any given time and turn on you. To get out of something, he will blame you in front of others and bring out twisted truths and lies about a really bad moment in your life.
If a Narcissist can't change, you will be blamed for it. He or she tells you how hard they try, but it's never good enough in your eyes. The truth and reality are that they never do try in the way that is necessary or the way you need. Since it's all about control, they can't let control go.
Even a Christian Narcissist will claim he wants to change and will beg God to answer his prayers as to how to change. When God shows him straight from the Bible how to change, the Narcissist can't see the answer staring right at him or her. They go around always in dismay wondering why God won't help them.
A Narcissist wants a book or an answer that fits his own preconceived wishes and desires or agenda. Since the answer doesn't suit him, he claims there is no help for him.
Do you see the cycle and pattern here? Based on this, ask yourself, do you want to stay in this life for many more years or until you die?
But, for many, you can not get out at this time. I validate that in your truth. So you're going to have to navigate these poisoned waters. Life now is a battleground every day. Learn tools to help you cope and find ways to bring any kind of joy and peace into your life. Learn as much as you can about Narcissistic abuse and ways to cope through YouTube channels, books, blogs and articles. Learn about Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Below I will post pictures of the three books I spoke of in this blog post. If you are in need of life coaching please get in touch with me as I am a trained life coach specifically for Narcissistic abuse and CPTSD. Trained through the International Coaching Federation. I will also give you a contact by request for a man I know that I spoke about in my blog who helps Narcissists to change.
These are the three books:
Written by: Jessica Faye