This can't possibly be what you've become? "How did this happen to me? Me of all people? But it is... it's YOU! You're sick, you're exhausted, lost all family and friends, your home bound, bored and segregated....isolated. Narcissists go to great lengths to segregate people and isolate them . They will even do acts of loving kindness for you just to keep you away from everything you love and from people. Also from making new friends. For example they may shop for you, pick up everything you need, drive you everywhere rather than have you drive. For a narcissist it's all about control. He/she doesn't feel good if they are not always in control. Everything he or she does is about their own self-hatred and lack of self-worth and to keep you dependant on them so you will never leave them. They don't ever want to be left, they want to be the one to leave You when they are done sucking you dry of your energy source! To others he or she seems like such a nice person, in fact they seem like the perfect person for you. Oh how they wish that person was theirs! They tell you how lucky you are!
The problem is you may be stuck at home with them 24/7 most of the time and you're only escape is now through a bottle. Or the narcissist finally goes out and you can't relax unless it's through a bottle or a drink. Maybe it has become your friend now. Perhaps your only friend and that friend comforts your pain. That friend validates how you truthfully feel. Maybe it gives you some confidence to do something he/she never allowed you to do like listen to music, or watch a certain movie. Maybe it's the only way you can deal with the new autoimmune disease you have from a lifetime of abuse to ease the extreme physical pain and perhaps everything else you tried medically doesn't work or your allergic. But you found that one beer that stops the migraines and stops the physical extreme pain and makes you feel good for a moment. A little small window of feeling happy and normal again. Or it may be to self destruct into ourselves. There so many reasons narcissists cause us to start to turn on ourselves eventually. We will devalue ourselves just like they devalue us. We will finish off the job for them believing over time their lies that we are "worthless", "not good enough", "inconsequential" etc.
The first time I started really learning about Narcissistic abuse was when I was feeling so very bad after a narc attack of abuse. I typed into google the words "Not Good Enough". There was a life coach/psychologist on YouTube who was teaching a lot about toxic people and toxic relationships with Narcissistic types. That began my long journey of learning all about how very complex this is. Today I am still learning. Previously to that day I knew a lot about different forms of abuse and post traumatic stress disorder and had even taken a course in my early 20's. But Narcissistic abuse really is a type of abuse that is worse than anything I had read before. I realized my good nature had caused me to be a Narc magnet to the world my whole life!
We might may not even know we have post traumatic stress disorder or complex post-traumatic stress disorder and we're dealing with the triggers and the flashbacks. Not every flashback or trigger is known. It often has an emotional component that you can't put your finger on and you don't know why you're having panic attacks and you're upset. Or you are just very uneasy and scared. Often you can be stuck at home absolutely having panic attacks day and night and not even know why. You may fear waking up, you may fear facing the day, you may fear falling asleep, you may fear the night. You probably will fear trying to do anything or achieve anything because it's usually sabotaged or not allowed.
No one can make you change or do something on their own time or their way. If no one is going to give you wings to fly....you must grow your own and fly on your own time, your own way, when you are ready to try and fly...or to try to fly once again. Even if someone gives you wings you must use them when you are able too do so. You are in control....well when you can be, you are in the drivers seat....when you can be. Let no one take that from you. If they have taken from you then take your power back!
Don't forget , even God himself says you will reap what you sow. You will pay the price for over drinking, you will pay the pied piper with that hangover. But even God remembers you didn't get here by choice. Yes we can stumble, yes we make a decision to react but not always, as science proves so true!
Sometimes we can't help it, sometimes we can...sometimes if suicidal we just won't care.
So stop judging yourself their is only one judge...God. He will repay each one according to his doings. Everyone has been hard enough on you. You likely aren't over drinking because you want to, but because you can not bear the pain of abuse anymore. Likely no one believes your being abused and see You as the crazy one. So forgive yourself and keep trying to get up and find other ways to cope that are more beneficial. Keep trying until you succeed and should you fall keep getting back up! There are so many ways to deal with an addiction and you must try each one until you find what works for You ....NOT SOMEONE ELSE! Avoid those people who insist there is only one way to beat the drinking trap! They are often judgmental, pushy, rude and argumentative....they may drive you to drink even further. Steer clear of all who act in such a way. You are likely a fragile broken shell and probably have lots of love and care to give but distrust others now. Many like to further slam broken struggling people down to the ground when they are already crushed. Many never having lived through this type of abuse will assert dominantly how you should handle it and what to do and may well put the blame on you! Many organizations for helping addiction work the same way. They have a Narcissistic mentality about how they deal with and treat others. So be cautious. When you screw up or miss a meeting, they can be brutal!
When trying to help someone with an addiction especially an addiction because of abuse, don't further abuse or put down ones struggling from abuse. Perhaps they need a friend, validation, a listening ear without judgments or being told what to do. Be a good friend and see the whole picture. Does the person want to be this way or do they hate what they have become and are fighting it but fall?
Becoming an alcoholic or someone who drinks more and more than usual is very common for those in long term toxic relationships. I never thought it would happen to me and it did! But it took many years! Born into Narcissistic abuse, it took me not until the age of 43 to start developing a problem with alcohol that came and went. I had lost a lot that year, including ones close to me in death. It was the worst year of my life and I was trapped with another abusive husband.
I am here to tell you that YOU are not alone! Many have been where you are now. We must all remember where we have been and use those experiences to help others in a spirit of love, compassion and peace.
Even the Bible says there is a time an place for everything under the sun. The time is now! So let us break these bonds together!
Written By ~ Jessica Faye