After a night of abusing his wife and giving her another breakdown, the next day he was in a bad state on his hands and knees in desperation crying and begging her to forgive him. "How do I change!!! I don't know how to change please God help me! Jesus help me! If only I knew there was a way to change myself through a book... anything... I would read it, I would do it! I would do whatever it takes to change! Wife, please help me, do you know of anything?! Do you know how I can get help please... help me, a book anything!"
She knew she had a stash of books she kept hidden in the house that she keeps circling around into different hiding places for the past year. She would get a friend to order it for her and she'd pay her the money so that it didn't show up at the door. One of those books in particular not only helped her and is her favorite but it's written from a man who worked over 20 years with narcissistic abusers, male abusers in person counseling and group therapy. This author claimed he held the key and knowledge to how narcissists get better. Could this book be the answer? Does she tell her husband about the stash of books she has?
He's still in constant dramatics on the floor screaming and crying saying he wants to kill himself if only he had a book or something to help him. Looking back she wonders maybe he already knew she had books and he was just trying to get his hands on them because she certainly knew that he refused to go to counseling and doesn't believe in psychology books or therapy.
The wife being an empath, her emotional needing and wanting to help him once again after all these years, her truthful honesty of never lying and not liking to hide anything, she brings him the books. One in particular she talks to him about and he seems to gravitate too. "This is the answer he says to her! This is written from a man who understands abusive men... Finally I can get the help that I need and find out how to change the cycle!"
She could never get him to read anything but here he was day in and day out spending hours in the morning and hours in the evening reading this book.
Surely he was going to finally change right? I mean he was broken when he begged for this book and he wanted to change so desperately. He just didn't know how to stop being abusive!
But to her shock and dismay he started to use the very tactics of the abusers in the book against her! She could tell now that he was narcissistically abusing her more and more and word-for-word saying and doing the same actions other men used on their victims from the book!
Things eventually got to a heated point where he slammed the book down and said, "that's it, there's no hope for me! This book doesn't tell me how to change!!"
But it did and it said specifically how he's supposed to change. In fact she and her husband even read some of it together. They discussed exactly what the book said on how he is to bring about change in his life and how to stop abusing her. But narcissists don't want to put any work into anything especially if it means changing who they truly are. They can only do it for a short time a day, a few days, a week....maybe a month or two. Then the cycle is back.
You see the book told him that it's as if an evil neighbor came and chopped down your favorite beautiful tree in your front yard.... They felt bad later and to make amends they came over and planted a new tree. They came over ever day to take care of it, nurture it, water it and watched it grow. They never denied that they didn't do it and they took every chance they could to pay back double what they had done. This tree wasn't going to grow over night. It is going to take time. So he was saying that a truly sorry abuser who truly wants to change will go to great long lengths to fix the damage he has caused knowing that it will take lots of time. He also said that only abusers who want to pay back everything they have done wrong to their victim double fold for the rest of their life and who put in the work would be the ones who would change. They have to own what they've done and who they are and do everything to try to make all of what they took from that person right again. Even if it means to never see or bother that person ever again if that is their wish. They need to stop the abuse the same way that if someone were to walk in the room, they could so easily stop... put on a calm smile and speak logically, sane and rational. He said this always proved their being abusive was a choice.
The author in the book stated that abusers have the ability to stop abusing their victim the minute someone walks into the room where the abuse is happening which proves that they can stop. That it's a choice. They also often put on tears in a big dramatic act and switch the blame onto the victim and suddenly after raging and freaking out, they are able to act calm cool and collected. The writer of the book after 20 years of working with abusive men, said this is a telltale sign that these things are deliberate. These are a thought out act in which proves that they can control themselves. Otherwise they would not be stopping their behavior when someone comes in the room. Many claim they have no control over how they treat their mates but this therapist never met an abusive man in his 20 years that didn't prove they all had self control when it suited them and their needs.
A narcissist can't handle this because it means never abusing or hurting anyone again and doing everything that they can to make choices to control and change their behavior, always owning it. But a narcissist goes in and out of denial. He or she may might tell you one week that yes they are abusive and sorry and then the next week they will deny that they are abusive. Then they may start blowing up and getting angry every time you say the word. You can not change what you do not acknowledge. When they are upset they do not know how to handle their own feelings and they take it out on someone, usually their mate or child. They feel better by watching the abused persons reaction and feeding off that energy. They don't know how to live without drama. They need that little shot of drama every now and then to keep going to feel alive.
What is the concluding thing that we can learn from this experience? Never trust a narcissist if you give them your pearls they will trample you and your gifts.... and rip you to shreds. They will always use everything good and bad about you against you later. To let them have your books or to let them find them, could put you in much more danger. It will only add fuel to the fire and instead of a storm the Narcissist will become a hurricane.
So be careful and don't fall for their tactics! They probably already know you have the books and they are trying to get their hands on them by playing up the tears and drama. If they are sincere for a moment, feelings will only come emotionally usually after some sort of a breakdown or major event. Often it's after the narcissist has been so abusive to you that You have had a breakdown and you can't pull out of it. They may finally start breaking down crying and saying how sorry they are and it'll be the only time you can talk about the situation because tomorrow they will have forgotten that the conversation ever happened.
How convenient right?
So keep your book stash hidden and don't let them read it.