Here are some strategies and ways to navigate and cope while daily dealing with a Narcissist. We we also learn about complex trauma, how it works and what you can do to help yourself heal. If the person in your life is female then just substitute the word male to female or he to she.
After he's done some Narcissistic Abuse tactics. Write about it if you can. Write down what he said and why it's a lie and unreasonable. This way you know the facts for yourself and can validate to yourself YOUR TRUTH. Because he will twist everything that happened and try gaslighting you into believing things did not happen that way. He will deny everything he did or said and blame it all on you telling you that you misunderstood or YOU read into it wrong. Or he may say, "that's not what I meant." Learn to remember how you felt in that moment and trust your gut instinct that told you plainly what he meant and was doing at the time. Learn about Narcissism and abuse tactics so that you can see it when it happens. This also helps with police cases and court as you now have a record of the abuse with dates.
They are MASTER MANIPULATORS AND LIARS! They are con artists. Trust your first gut instinct the moment you realize he's trying to hurt you with words. BECAUSE HE IS TRYING TO HURT YOU!
Narcissists will always downplay and minimize what happened. Soon they will conveniently forget all about what they did and forever.
Writing helps you process the trash and to know your truth for your on validation. People who get Post Traumatic Stress Disorder often never processed the traumatic event and could not escape it.
Ways to process it can be talking to a trusted confidential person who always validates your truth reality and feelings. Writing about it. Music, art, poetry, lyrics, play an instrument, sing, dance, prayer, creating with your hands. Expressing your feelings through these avenues.
The problems begin for those who can not escape their environment of abuse. It's very hard to heal. Abuse always follows the same patterns and cycles like clock work. Daily, weekly, monthly, yearly you will see the same exact pattern. The constant abuse over time of repeated traumatic experiences can cause something called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This type of trauma usually eventually happens to those stuck in abusive relationships where the abuse is constantly in your home or your life. It is a very Complex Trauma hard to get over and takes time. It can take years to develop so it can require years to heal from. This is why it is best to get away permanently from an abusive toxic person if you can and NEVER CONTACT THEM EVER AGAIN.
Getting away from your abuser can be complicated, risky, life threatening and difficult, for some it's impossible at that time in their life. There are many good reasons why some can not leave. SO NEVER TELL SOMEONE TO LEAVE IF THEY CLAIM THEY CAN'T. DO NOT PUT THEM DOWN FOR IT. This further abuses them. For there are numerous situations people face where leaving is not possible at that time in their life . So be a good friend and don't pressure them to leave if they are not ready or say that they can't. I will make a post of all the reasons why many can't leave . Some people have multiple reasons or even ALL OF THEM! Leaving requires a brilliant well thought out plain and requires time to set it up. Some people need help to know how to execute such. I will write a post also about that in the future. Now if your thrown out and discarded into the streets ...that's also a different situation for another future post.
Try writing gratitude lists every day. If nothing much is good anymore in your life, write down even the simplest of enjoyments. That cup of coffee, that glass of wine, hot chocolate, your favourite meal you just had, the quiet moment you got, the sunshine coming through your window or that's shining on your face or head, your favourite song, a warm bath etc. Are you grateful for that phone call, that friend, that walk in the woods, that letter etc. Write down what's good about you and what you like about yourself. "I am grateful today for...." and "I know I'm a kind, loving person. I help others in need, I love my long hair. I'm grateful for these things." Write down your accomplishments in the day that you feel good about. You have been put down enough! Sometimes only YOU can build yourself up. Many of us trapped with a Narcissist have lost all family and friends. You might be all that you've got! So treat yourself the way you would to someone just like you. Talk to yourself with the same encouraging words you would give someone else in your shoes... in your situation.
Write down all the situations and things that make him act up. Do they Narc out every time your sick, happy, depressed, get your menstrual cycle, get ready to go out, every time you go somewhere with them, around certain family, friends or events. Are their any trigger words that set them off? "Blinds", "beer", "slab"...a sentence..."would you like a cup of coffee?" , a kind gesture, laughter. Perhaps it's correcting him on a matter or wanting to show him proof he's wrong about something even if your kind. Is he upset and jealous when you have a good day or tell him something awesome that happened to you? Jealousy turns into self hatred , loathing and rage with Narcissists and they project that onto you! Can you not discus certain topics together such as, your child, your finances, the Bible, your career, your goals, dreams, aspersions? These situations are a few ones in my life personally that I had to deal with and navigate. Perhaps you can relate? Choose and pick your battles wisely because they are always ready to fight.
Hide the books you have on Narcissism or the books your write in and move the hiding spot frequently. Label it budget book or something he doesn't like. Like label it "Scrap Booking" or something he will not find interest in. Or make an account online he doesn't know about where you can freely write. I understand for many this idea is too dangerous so before you proceed be aware of what will happen if he finds it.
I hid books on Narcissism around the house where I knew he would not likely look. I hide my writings also online and in amongst many notebooks. I knew he didn't like reading so it was a safe bet he wouldn't care to read it. He's the kind of Narcissist who's motto is; "So!..What do I care?!"..."What's it to me?"
I had been abused my whole life and by the time I found myself with my third Narcissistic husband, I had already made a vow to never allow any form of abuse in my life by just rolling over and taking it. So I shone a light on EVERY vile evil thing he did to me and even explained Narcissism and took a course to become a life coach specifically for Narcissism causing CPTSD. I even made him read one of my books. BUT I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS APPROACH! This approach can lead to a worse situation, even a violent one and is very dangerous. Just as Grey Rocking can be dangerous. Calling out a Narcissist is not a good idea and I do not recommend it. But I had had it! I was at the point in my life that I was willing to pay any price to stay true to myself, not lose more of me than I needed to and I was not going to tolerate these injustices!
When I was a little girl, as an only child trapped in a chaotic world of every form of abuse at home with two Narcissistic parents, my mother always wanted me to keep her secrets of abuse . I vowed I would spend my life always standing up against injustices and abuse towards anyone oppressed, help where I can and expose it! I can not support or stand for a lie or injustice. This feeling burned in me my whole life! I'm a fighter and that's what keeps me sane. You too can learn ways that are best for you and your circumstances to break these bonds and chains! There are many ways to fight this fight and battle. We will have much to discuss on this topic in the future. So stay tuned.
Written by : ~ Jessica Faye