My own personal true story:
There I was, a newlywed, still young and attractive, and my new husband refused to take a picture of me for an entire year! Even when he did start taking pictures of me because I was video blogging and becoming popular on Instagram with my teacup poodle, he used those opportunities to verbally and mentally abuse me when taking pictures of me or videos for my Vlog.
I had just healed from a lifetime of feeling very unattractive because of abuse in my life. Even though everyone thought I was very good looking, I could not see it. This stemmed all the way back to abuse as a child as to why I felt this way.
I was always a shy and extremely timid little girl, and I took that with me most of my life. I was never confident in front of the camera whether it was pictures or video. Many people thought I should be a model, but that was definitely not the kind of job I could do.
So, here I was with my guard down because I finally felt self-worth and confidence in myself. I wondered why my husband would not take a picture of me.
There I was, looking beautiful for him in front of the river canal with the sun coming down on my beautiful hair highlighting its colors, and he's taking pictures of all the scenery around me and right beside me. First, I thought he was taking pictures of me ...but nope, he wasn't. If I even mentioned the smallest phrase alluding to wishing he would have taken a picture of me, he would get upset and get narcissistic and abusive.
But he would take pictures and video of family and even a female friend who came over one night! Right in front of me while we were playing a game. Takes out his phone and is video tapping her!
Right after we married he posted pics t Facebook of us and then we went on a trip to Victoria BC and he made a video of me by the ocean that was so pretty. He refused to post it on Facebook. This was the start of him never doing it again for an entire year!
No matter what a narcissist's excuse is or what he says, you can't believe him (or her), you have to look at patterns. How many times have they lied to you before and you caught them? How many times did they hurt you before? You have to understand psychology and body language. You have to have introspection into yourself and your own life. Whether a narcissist does something deliberately or unknowingly (because he's conditioned to be that way since a child), it's always about jealousy and trying to knock you off your pedestal, making you feel worthless so that you will stay with them. It's about CONTROL!
You can see it in a narcissist's eyes. They get a kick out of making you feel like you are a worthless slug fit to be squashed under their shoe. You can see that evil grin and that twinkle in their eyes. They just love getting any reaction they can from you! This is why many people turn to using a tactic called "Grey Rocking" in which you take all of the narcissists' supply from them and cut them off from it completely in every way, shape, and form. Thus you make yourself boring and dull in every area of your life and in every situation for the narcissist, and you hope he or she will move on to his next supply. But be very careful. This tactic can get you physically hurt by certain types of narcissists. This tactic though does often work in getting the Narcissist to move on eventually if you can keep it up.
It's important to always follow your gut feeling. And my gut feeling was telling me that this was done to deliberately make me believe I wasn't that pretty or good looking or worth any love, appreciation, or value. He had made a lot of remarks that went along with that; things like you're not a 10 but you're a five. Narcissists are usually very jealous of you. If they're good looking, they want everyone to know it; and if they're charming, they want everyone to know it. Certain types are the loudest and the shiniest in the room, and there's no way that, even if they want eye candy on their arm, they are going to let you shine because you must realize your place. You are not good enough; they are always better, always right, and they know everything!
A lot of people in my life assumed that I knew I was good looking, and that I needed to be knocked down a few pegs. Many men in our society are programmed to think that way. But this was not the case at all. I had developed something called "Body Dysmorphic Disorder" from abuse since I was a child. When I looked in the mirror I only saw ugliness. And there was a good reason for that too! Here I finally found value in myself, but my husband's goal was to destroy that.
I could never bring it up and talk about the pictures never taken. I was never allowed to ask the question, "Why will you not take a picture of me?" without a fight. But one day after a year had gone by, I decided no matter the cost, I was going to confront him on this matter.
It was dark at night, and my husband had just gone into Starbucks to get some coffees while I waited in the vehicle in the parking lot. When he got in the vehicle I told him I had something very important I wanted to talk to him about.
Just that sentence alone triggered him! The sentence, "I have something very important I want to talk to you about."
It was already a losing situation because you could see the ice-cold stare come over his face as he sat there in the dark staring at me like a demonic soul with no feeling except malice. Those eyes threatening me as if to threaten my very life. Regardless, I pressed forward and asked him, "Why don't you take pictures of me? You take pictures of everything else around us. The scenery, but never me. It's been over a year now and I wonder why you're not wanting to take pictures of the woman you proclaim to love. It hurts my feelings."
Well, I can tell you that for the next hour in the dark he yelled, screamed, and swore at me! I couldn't even hear any longer what he was saying. The shock was so horrible that someone could react so vilely. All I could think about is how other men love taking pictures of me, and here's one who's definitely up to something that is sinister. I was no pushover. I was no dummy. I had been through abuse my whole life. I have a wonderful gift and the ability to understand who truly is trying to hurt me. This is not love, love does not behave this way. How could someone be so upset with their wife for this? I'm sure there are many more things to be upset with your wife for that are valid. Heck, I had met tons of women in my life who were terrible. And this was terrible in his eyes?
And no, I can't tell you what he said, because trauma that is too hard for the brain to process will block that out until the time is right when you can process it.
Of course, usually, when someone spends an hour yelling and swearing at you and verbally, mentally, and psychologically abusing you, you tend to tune out, especially if it's over something so damn ridiculous as that!
Did I regret that night? Well, maybe at the moment. But not today! I would do it a million times over, because I finally decided I'm not going to let anyone do these things to me without shining a light right back at them for their abuse when I feel and deem it necessary. But that must be a personal decision for you with your own personal circumstances. Maybe you have no friends, family, or help and maybe your abuser is now physical with you, and it could mean your life. That's something I have lived through and will talk about later.
Did he finally start taking pictures of me after this? Yes, he did, cuz the narcissist will change once you shine a light on them. The jig is up! The abuse will move to a different facet of your life, and they will try to change to hide the abuse so you don't notice where in your life it now lingers and waits for you. But it was noticeable to me that every time I posed for a picture or video he had something to say about it off-camera; things like "you're certainly no model, you're certainly no professional at this!" And I would say, "Of course I'm no model, I've never been a model and I never will be. I don't understand why you're talking like this to me? You're hurting my feelings." Then the abuse starts, the narcissistic abuse of cycles because I spoke up. They hate that!
He finally did stop all together and started taking pictures without being abusive. But again he just changed where in our life he would next start up trouble.
Now to this day, it's hard for me to be in front of a camera or a video camera. But it wasn't just him that caused this. There were some other abusers before that. You see, something the Bible talks about is love, and it is impossible for love to hurt others. You can guarantee if someone is always trying to deliberately hurt you when no one's around and no one's looking, or even if they are, they do not have love for you!
You have to understand this in order to break free! You have to really get the sense of this or you will continue to your own demise, until you reach rock bottom. You only have two choices: believe their lies and always try to please them ...or even if you can't break free physically.. break free mentally and don't fall for their bull****! This way you can stay grounded in your truth and keep your sanity!
Now let's break these bonds together!