Updated: Jan 5
An example of how a Narcissist works: (They can be female but in this instance I am using male)
A Narcissist will always say he wants to change, or that he has. He may appear to have changed. But the reality is that he changes the situation of when he acts up or blows up. Before it may have been every time you got sick, said the wrong word or you were happy. Buy now it's every time you do the budgeting, online shopping or someone rips you off. They may yell at you, belittle you, swear at you, put you down, say lies about you. They project all of their self hate on to you. Before you know what's even happening your in a tizzy of a verbal battle in which if you try to reason with them and explain the situation, they will over talk you louder and louder cutting you off each time. When your visibly shaken and upset, they will assert they know why! Keep in mind you didn't do anything wrong except state that the both of you are getting ripped off big bucks from Walmart and the local grocery store when ordering online. A $50 rip off in 2 days would be something any couple would talk about. But the narcissist starts yelling at you and screaming and dancing around and swearing.....when you ask what's wrong he tells you that You are the problem.. your acting crazy! When you try to reason with him he gets worse cutting you off using gaslighting, word salad, blame shifting and projection. A common Narc statement yelled at you may be "what do you want from me!" ....or "so....get over it!" ...or "yeah I'm an asshole, what do you expect?!!!!!"
He asserts this is all about "Chicken!" And how crazy you are to be upset about chicken. But chicken has nothing to do with the real issue that you can clearly see. Which is, that lately every time you shop online and the store has done something wrong or the app doesn't work.....he now gets verbally and mentally abusive over that instead of when he sees you sick or happy, or you said the wrong word.... which is what he use to get mad about. They just change the situation. So now he's yelling swearing and dancing around the house throwing insults at you and saying the word "chicken" 15 or more times. You remember he often does this. Blaming inanimate objects and you. It's blame shifting so he doesn't have to hear that he is the problem....the unstable chicken dancer is the problem as he jumps around the house mad at you. Now your upset right... but your not the one freaking out or being mean....your being kind and nice ...trying to reason with him......it's the end of the day, you weren't feeling well.....and now the perfectly edible chicken has violently been thrown into the garbage and it's ALL YOUR FAULT!
Now granted the chicken was outdated and expires the next day and they just delivered it to you that night. Yes they also ripped you off $50. But that's not the problem your now upset about . And when you try to tell him....he will not confront why your now crying, triggered and upset. He doesn't want to hear it.
You are upset for all of the hours, days and years that you were there for him every time something financially bothered him and he mentioned it to you, or every time something didn't go well at work for him, or if someone did him wrong. In fact you listen to him for hours. You hear every rant, every venting and dry every tear. You listen with love and patience and work as a team.
But he's never there for you when you need him or want to discuss something. Narcissists always avoid and don't want to see what they are doing. Today it's chicken, tomorrow it's your shoe! But it's never him.
The next day he may still be mad at you and tell you that your at fault getting upset over chicken (which is not what your upset about) he will try to gaslight you into believing you acted foolishly over a little thing.
Now it's become a big thing because years of torment big and little have happened. You always walk on egg shells because when you least expect it ...all hell breaks loose. You try to see cycles and avoid situations that upset the narcissist but before long there's no way to tell anymore because as predictable as they are, they blow up especially whenever you put your guard down, give them the benefit of the doubt telling yourself everyone makes mistakes, you treat them kind and be yourself and .....BOOM! Just when you think your really connected and getting along and finally being yourself.....he seems happy, then.....BAM!
Now this is a tiny example. But this is done on every level of your life, this cycle is daily weekly and for years. And amongst it they may get physical, threaten your life, use everything you love or ever said or did against you, discard you into the streets in one moment ....one instant when life seemed good for a moment..... because you said a word they didn't like and suddenly your homeless...or they may even eventually try to kill you. If they don't kill you your soul will slowly fade away and die. You will be unhealthy, and unable to mentally function. You will be a shell of your former self.
You can never heal because a Narcissist won't listen to what was the real issue or problem or how he hurt your feelings. He's above that and knows all things and he is ALWAYS right. Narcissists only see in black and white. Never grey or shades of grey and never in colours. You can never reason with a Narcissist or tell him how you feel or what the real issue is. You can't have a healthy conversation. And if your lucky enough for such a rare moment to happen.....don't trust it.....he will forget the ENTIRE conversation by tomorrow or next week. He also will tell you that everything he said and did.....did not happen. Or you misunderstood. Don't doubt yourself! Us empaths are very good at seeing all sides of an issue calculating every angle. The minute you believe his lies or wonder if you are to blame ....another piece of you is lost forever. You can never get it back unless you permanently get free of him. He will always put you down for reacting to his tactics or being affected. But now over many years you have CPTSD . Even if you left him it would take years...perhaps a decade to heal. A Narcissist thinks you can heal from his hurt in one second. Their mouths are an open grave. Their lips speak deceptions and twist your words and their own . And in their lips and tongue their words can be death dealing poison.....having the ability to destroy both your soul and body....perhaps even for eternity.
Written By: ~ Jessica Faye