* TRIGGER WARNING. True Story...
The little girl sits on the couch, her beloved white toy poodle in her lap waiting for her daddy to come home from work. She's about 5 years old. Mommy's in the kitchen cooking dinner. It smells so good. Her mommy is the best cook in the world and the most beautiful woman on Earth! Daddy's very handsome too.
An intense fear and confliction rises up in the little girl's tummy. She doesn't know whether she should be excited her daddy's home, or be in morbid dread that someone's going to die tonight. And she's so loves her Daddy so very much! It would be really easy to be happy to see him. Sometimes he's so much fun to be around he's the center of her universe and her world. He's the one person she has the most fun with and can connect to. He's the funniest man on earth and the strongest. Oh how this little girl looks up to him!
So why is she so scared? She sits there gripping the chair that she's sitting in waiting for Daddy to come home. As night falls she can hear his van coming down the street the dodge motor purring. "Do I say hello to him?" She asks herself..."or is this one of those days I should ignore him?" This happens every single day except on the weekends. You see no matter what the little girl does, no matter which option she takes it will always be the wrong one!
Daddy is a Narcissist. He's an abuser mentally, verbally, psychologically and physically to the people in his life. Mentally verbally and psychologically abusive to his little girl. Later on as the little girl grows older she will find out that he's even sexually abusive to the women in his life.
If she says hello to her daddy she is in big trouble and if she does not say hello to her daddy and just continues watching her TV show, she is in big trouble!
It goes something like this... When Daddy comes home and slams the door, if the little girl doesn't say anything he says, "I f**king come home and I don't even get a hi, I don't even get a hello!! ??? " Then he says to his little sad scared girl, "You don't fu*king love me! Nobody gives a sh*t about me. Nobody cares! You're all just mother f** Kers! You're all just a bunch of a**holes! I work hard everyday and nobody gives a sh*t about me! He's yelling it and he's slamming things and throwing things around. Grabs his beer and lights a cigarette. A routine like clockwork everyday. But at least it's not as bad as every Christmas time. That's for another story another time.
When she's older the little girl will think back to how one of his favourite movies was "The Shining", where Jack Nicholson says....."Wendy.. I'm home! and then he says "Here's Johnny!" Her daddy always said it in comical joking ways and when he was abusing people, especially her mother. But her father used her mothers name or said "Honey".
Now mother was cooking dinner always making fabulous delicious meals looking as beautiful as ever. She always kept the house clean. It was perfectly just so and she kept herself looking just so. She too was a very hard worker. Daddy would walk into the kitchen come up behind her and give her a big hug from behind while she's chopping up meat and then shove it up her nose grabbing her head, face and hair and say to her, "what the f*ck is this huh?!!!....What is this sh*t!? Your going to feed me this!?"
The little girl would black out and not remember between that and sitting at the dinner table. But this was a nightly routine. And as they happily ate their delicious food in a moment of peace, the little girl handed scraps to the dog under the table, hoping not to get caught. She loved her puppy so much. Her only source of real comfort. In a sudden terrorizing moment, daddy would slam his fists on the table and start yelling, screaming, swearing and threatening everyone like he's in some sort of delusion and is seeing things we can't see. The little girl blacks out again.
You see he wasn't in a delusion, he's a narcissistic abuser and for him and for all narcissists it's about control, narcissistic supply and becoming people they wish to be, but can never be. They try to act it out, this facade... and it eventually fails. The facade shatters and comes off. They can not keep it up especially at the end of the day. So the mask comes off. The Cycle starts up again. Each cycle may last a day, a few days, a week, month...a year or so.
Her father did everything whole- souled. For the things that mattered to him. He worked very hard at everything and was a perfectionist. He was a wannabe actor and did some roles. He was a really good alcoholic, good at hiding it and functioning fairly well even on the job. He was a very good user of drugs who could hide that well too. He never sat down much ever! He always stood bent over resting his hands on his knees or paced. He was a hard-working man. He kept the houses he lived in clean meticulously and he worked very hard on the job at work in construction. He was the best at his work and everyone knew it. He did everything over time and overboard. He loved to copy comedians. He was a comedian. He was very charming and everyone loved him! But behind closed doors! And even sometimes in front of everyone... when people found out who he really is and that they could not help him... oh how they struggled to get away from him! Wished they never encountered him. He even abused his little girls best friend, her beloved little toy poodle. Later kicking it around and starving it half to death. Possibly murdering it...no one knows what happened to it later. He was death dealing poison with intent to destroy every family and persons lives that he met. Whether knowingly or unknowingly... he was murderous in his intentions. He would go on to rape, threaten and even try to kill people later in his life
Yet today was a good day in the little girls life. No one died. She wasn't left alone today due to her parents trying killing one another. As they often seemed to try hard at.
But the little girl's mother took all of her emotional and physical pain from abuse out on her little girl for she too was a Narcissistic Abuser.
Written by: Jessica Faye
* (Children who believe someone is going to die, either them or someone they love, or if they witness abuse, often go on to develop PTSD or CPTSD. Even repeated daily trauma, stress and neglect that can not be escaped or dealt with, especially as an only child, usually brings on disorders, sickness and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This can last a life time even after the abuse is long gone. It can affect every aspect of a persons adult life. When others deny a persons truth and what they went through, it furthers the negative effects of abuse. So lets all try to Break These Bonds and change these cycles!)